Waking up, I realized I had to start all over and by that it means, I am older, not in such a good shape in my life as I don't have a job right now and really spent my life not thinking it would ever change. I didn't really spent time looking for someone that would take care of me because if I did I don't think I would have such a dramatic feeling of starting all over. Going on 40 in a couple of months but actually continuing with God after forgetting about God since I was a teenager. Life would have been so different if only I had kept my heart ,mind and whole existence in just thinking about God more and what would be the right path for my life. Stuck....I thank God of where I have came to live for starters. I came to this city crushed, broken hearted and looking to end this spirit search maybe that was making me loose the minimum mind that I yet still have to reinvent. Yes, having to reinvent myself and the person that I could be or yet to become. Or is that just another lie I want to feed myself at this moment of thinking that I will probably be able to not reinvent myself!
     I have talked to God in a letter last night where I have asked Jesus to now pray for me in the sense where I have felt that I could no longer pray for things that I am unsure of. Like a family. What a crazy thing to not want to belong to a family at the moment. But the seriousness of who my family could of have been in the past scares me and takes me to isolate myself.
      How I came to living in this city was me making a crazy decision to move to a town I had not known nothing of. A room in a big house I came to live after finding a search on craig's list. Afterwards things went sour for me and my financial sittuation that was my only financial sittuation in years of not wanting to care of what I wanted to do with my life. I had lost all of me into this life of sin and lies, lies which soon began revieling themselves out here in this desert I have not really came to gobble up, just yet. Understanding have come and gone and the sense of discovering more og God at this moment has left me in a big hold. A hold because I can't control all the energy that is just in the air yet alone the idea of reinventing myself. I am also in a hold due to this health issue that I have to overcome. Breast cancer, 3rd stage is what was detected not too long ago and having to go thru radiation everyday and not wanting to think of the idea of surviving in this same body that already I feel has been thru so much! But what is much? I think of soldiers that do get tormented, the women that turn to prostitution because they seem to not find any other way of living that satisfies some cravings that involve living in the same sinful way that probably ended up some to have chosen the same sinful lifestyle that have left some thinking of the meaningless struggle that some might have had with life alone! Reinventing myself @ 40 , a story that will continue all year long...