In getting the habit of writting I come to create a new perspective of what the internet might be really good for if only we search it. But then the sleep less nights that the information on there might have us wondering over.
     So, I asked Jesus if he can only ask God about my energy and motivation for a reinvention. That's all were my praying will be left at. I really might be considered a fool if not having to search wide and far for a narrow path that might take me to this unimaginable fairy tale or maybe not! Then I have a scheduled surgery that is coming up and missing that would be like not filing in a hole. LOL
I have seen things flashing right before my eyes and not like in shiny cars or diamond jewelry which would be nice and that song of Don Omar comes to mind, that titles, "Ella no sigue modas", waking up to thinking of how I would want to reinvent myself takes me to the house hunter international shows, of how saving has alot to do with real happiness and having had gone present first in all we would want to accomplish if it wasn't for sin and such meaningfull thinking of I need love" or I just can't seem to get up in the morning. NO!, God has loved us so much that by his words inside his holy book of stories we come to finally realize that he has always loved us and has given us all the free will to choose and pick and fix and multiply and subtract if the bill just got a little too pricy. Ofcourse, at one point or another we all came to want a family. Maybe some good moral upringing and good moral instructions on how being intellijent and seeking education in God first then on which ever field God chooses us to have will satisfies us after we come to the realization that a reinvention does not have to do alot with action words and here God I work and built and plant and harvest and fuck to multiply because forget about thinking about where my family will grow up once I have had my children and their houses are set. We don't all think that way, or else we would not all relate! We all relate because at some point or another we all showed God where it was we wanted to be at at some point, if it was in acting in movies or selling more houses on the wakiest places the ungodly spirits possessed that the real estate agent sold to sacrifice the people that now own there or whatever we choose to think of the story that comes to mind tells us. I hear so many stories but it all has to do with the same love story that is begining to make me sick, puke every so often or maybe just kill myself more by smoking those nasty camel spirited freak that is fucken insane and has this calm but intriging spirit that sucks me into this mystery that has lead to his tears and heartbreak. Yes, I feel as if I can't reinvent myself right now due to his approval in his spirit world to his spirit family that might have to do with fortunes that have been buried, for the moment and time and space and bullshit lies have played a part in the past life which God was waiting to offer me if only I have only seeked his kingdom and opened my eyes to the facts that are right in front of me and being settled with God is not only being settled with one self but having something to look forward to. Like , a good nights sleep, how much disgusting things don't alter our feelings, thoughts and even the way we feel. I might be sick and trying to overcome a sickness which is making me question life in the flesh because there is a spiritual battle going on and I am living in the flesh and not in spirit but yet again I feel as if I am alive for those thirsty spirits that can't seem to focuse on anything else but on whom to point a finger at! Who to blame or whom to judge or live for for the moment. We have to live, we have to wake up and face what's right in front of us wheather we want to or not and we might see our own selves in the flesh but in someone else as in the past, future and the present is what we are in now. I don't proof read I am afraid and if I did I think spell check would work. But in the moment of creating a master piece of the mind thinking that get's started we would not want to change much of what is coming out of the mind at the moment because if our deepest intentions are only to be able to get more people closer to God before anyone else. Noone is meant to be our everlasting companion, noone is made to pick up our tab but God is self sufficient and does provide of the things we usually worry about. Some seek more and follow other wise fantasies and when the chasing ends the peace begins. Not a peaceful thinking as we would all like too but a peaceful thinking that brings reinvention and a self life with God in perhaps only spirit? IDK, my thoughts are only of my own and all I have lived I can't think for other's because we all have chosen and have acted according of where our minds have taken us. My mind seeked what was lacking in feeling (touch) but the other senses have been present and if that's not God than I guess I am just asking for too much.

     Waking up, I realized I had to start all over and by that it means, I am older, not in such a good shape in my life as I don't have a job right now and really spent my life not thinking it would ever change. I didn't really spent time looking for someone that would take care of me because if I did I don't think I would have such a dramatic feeling of starting all over. Going on 40 in a couple of months but actually continuing with God after forgetting about God since I was a teenager. Life would have been so different if only I had kept my heart ,mind and whole existence in just thinking about God more and what would be the right path for my life. Stuck....I thank God of where I have came to live for starters. I came to this city crushed, broken hearted and looking to end this spirit search maybe that was making me loose the minimum mind that I yet still have to reinvent. Yes, having to reinvent myself and the person that I could be or yet to become. Or is that just another lie I want to feed myself at this moment of thinking that I will probably be able to not reinvent myself!
     I have talked to God in a letter last night where I have asked Jesus to now pray for me in the sense where I have felt that I could no longer pray for things that I am unsure of. Like a family. What a crazy thing to not want to belong to a family at the moment. But the seriousness of who my family could of have been in the past scares me and takes me to isolate myself.
      How I came to living in this city was me making a crazy decision to move to a town I had not known nothing of. A room in a big house I came to live after finding a search on craig's list. Afterwards things went sour for me and my financial sittuation that was my only financial sittuation in years of not wanting to care of what I wanted to do with my life. I had lost all of me into this life of sin and lies, lies which soon began revieling themselves out here in this desert I have not really came to gobble up, just yet. Understanding have come and gone and the sense of discovering more og God at this moment has left me in a big hold. A hold because I can't control all the energy that is just in the air yet alone the idea of reinventing myself. I am also in a hold due to this health issue that I have to overcome. Breast cancer, 3rd stage is what was detected not too long ago and having to go thru radiation everyday and not wanting to think of the idea of surviving in this same body that already I feel has been thru so much! But what is much? I think of soldiers that do get tormented, the women that turn to prostitution because they seem to not find any other way of living that satisfies some cravings that involve living in the same sinful way that probably ended up some to have chosen the same sinful lifestyle that have left some thinking of the meaningless struggle that some might have had with life alone! Reinventing myself @ 40 , a story that will continue all year long...