Having to compete with magic

     Starting over, if I didn't know better I could not say what I have seen and the birds that sing at night are no longer here (sad face)! I really can't expect much of anyone anymore and having known that the devil does not play fair and perhaps turns chickens into chicks and gives them wings to fly away by merely adding pixie dust. 

     Yes, cartoons all around is what children are all about. Oh yes, starting over..starting over for me at this point has taken a toll and has been a roller coaster ride with some crazy loops and laps that have made me become twisted and wrapped a couple perhaps, millions of times. Crime is on my mind that is probably taking place right now, as corruption sails to a far away land and the evil of the spirits enjoy their wealth that has been taken by force from innocent dumb people that probably can't stand a chance against a crowd of crows that just' wait for a piece of bread to be dumped by someone else. 

     Starting over by thinking about a piece of bread that looks like bread to me but is actually something else to someone else. See magic exist in the world I live in and I have seen things and places transform themselves in a blink of an eye. I can't compete with magic! (Boldly speaking) Magic is powerful! People that use magic must be very competent. I'm sure to use magic for evil on someone must really be a way of proving that those people are better than most.

     I can't compete with magic because God didn't give us all those tools, God didn't intend for most of us to live in a kingdom that was meant for only magical creatures as one's that live in lovely places ,I'm sure. Magic can be used in powerful ways. Let me give you an example of the magic I have witnessed. The mind that might wrap around our thinking can be very powerful! It can make us feel and see things as it wants. Magic can have permanent effects on the mind,spirit and whole being! There was this one time that I was here in what appears to be the desert where a lot of death might have taken place and sacrificing people is not a thing of the past but what appears to be a thing that might continue to happen. But what difference do we know of who's people or who's an animal now a days. Anyway, I was alone in this place I live in and no cars where passing by and no people walking at all! It felt like a deserted place and I sensed something coming. I tried to not feel as if it was getting to me but the feeling and thoughts of insanity where becoming too strong. So, I took off to L.A. Who know's what drives me out of town during some times. Maybe it's something good that's coming and a whole bunch of negative spirits decide to bundle up and drive me away. That's very competent. 

     It all has to do with money! Money, money and more money, if people have a way of changing the way they look in an instant as some get wrapped by their daemons or what not to get away, why would they not do it, over and over again. Some people are told they are destined to live in the bottomless pit forever and having been told that over and over again, they began to believe that and seemed to grow accustomed to a certain way of revolutionary thinking. A way of thinking that bring curses upon all their family members and that is how John became Jane and Francisco became Francis..that is how people became to adopt names and took over other's wealth as other's escaped to God know's where as they fled to a place where sin and having many wives was ok.

     Good people don't stand a chance against evil, unless a powerful army sent by God himself goes out and fight for some good people. Starting over does not necessarily mean as starting as a fake, but realizing what hasn't been realized yet. We spend a whole life time plus a half of another busting our asses trying to figure out why we can't advance and have material things as other's. But once we realize that other's move faster than some of us and to them a body is just as what appears like a snakes skin that they can easily dispose of at any time is out of this world. I don't know if it's a gift from God or just a higher unimaginable power of a particular black hole, but it's powerful!

     It's a difficult time we are living in. Some of us don't live in heaven, some of us are too fearful to seek for help that is probably not out there. Some of us are just targets that are foreseen by the one's that know they will never die or have eternal rest due to their corrupt past. (having a sense of freight and feeling of sadness) I don't know why, but I know that shit went wrong when people began to go out into space and fell at a different time and space. (hearing the laugh of a baby) A baby..who takes the life of a man and turns them into children again?

     That's right..tools to stay thin, tools to be tall, tools to look different, tools to get away, tools to do wrong, but who uses tools to love anymore?

No Body!(with a hopeful thinking) So why bother to reinvent ourselves in starting over as other people when we all return to our own vomit. Some of us don't even know who threw us up so how can we return as vomit? 

     Maybe that is why I love music and the sound of the birds, because some songs say what we want to hear and some birds sing when it's quiet. Get it? Anyway..Being still isn't easy when so much in the air is against one's space. A huge family is a blessing not only from God but from father time too. Thinking positive helps, opening up the bible helps so much! Being confident that God is present helps and being confident in our faith in God is the most important tool that we all need to master before all else. The hardest tool I am afraid to write that I have not learned to posses.

     I still get scared as a child I think, maybe even worse. I get scared because I love God, and wish to do and live right so bad that I know perhaps dark clouds come above me so God would miss me over and over again, and perhaps can't see me of who I truly am or have the potential of being because of all the evil that still surrounds me and I believe I was already foreseen. Witches have a way of getting what they want and making some of us good hearted people look fat, short, perhaps ugly or even dead. How can God know how many hairs I grow then?

   Forgive me God, for my faith fails me as you approach me.

     It saddens me to think that a family that was once thrown into perhaps a bottomless pit has been spreaded away with time and lies. It's disturbing to come to the realization that perhaps we all took a different approach with religion and all. Seeing things in people's faces really makes me realize that their are a whole bunch of unsettled spirits or "ghost" as many will call them, but to understand them and be able to give peace to murderer's and rapist is not such an easy thing to do in spirit. Starting over at this point in my life seem's more like a passion to help these spirits that can't be helped in the flesh. Even if God did allow them to live in the flesh of other's, some say that a black flesh is not good enough! Not good enough when God makes no mistakes! God know's what he has created and what thing's have created other's. I mean why question God! Why question God in the sense that we where all created in his image for a purpose. Then that purpose became not good enough to live. I heard this comment that asian people are now considered to be the next, " Death Walking" Asian people!? 
     I always did wonder why I had many encounter's with asian women and many of my ex-toss up's. But to me, believe it or not ,some asian people are like angel's to me now as the way I see it and the hate that comes over me as I see them. I try not to look at them as they are close because many want to overtake them and some look so scared.
     I ask myself as I did that muslim guy that I met. I asked, "why do your people be-head other's? I said,"Is it because you are scared of the messages God has to show and give you thru these people", then I go further in explaining, that I'm assuming that they get scared by the faces of these people because they want to cut their heads off. I asked,"Is that what it is,are your people scared of God and the people he uses's to deliver these messages"? 
A brief silence from him and me not being able to shut up as I smoke my turn. I continue to say," I have come to understand that there are spirits we can't see that really want to cross over and deliver a message to certain people and some really reveal themselves perhaps in a voice, a face, or probably both, which did sound and I probably looked like I was asking to be be-headed at the time. (lol) As I spoke ,his face turned to a mean face, I saw the veins popping out of his face, like a mounsto..scawee, I said."Knowing this, you have to be able to take control of your body and what you are feeling and understand that you are in control of your own flesh"! He looked at me as if I was being honest. I continue to say, so I wonder if that's the case why muslims be-head people, because they are really scared. Then I said,"But don't you muslims pray ,"like five times a day"? He said "yeah" and began talking in some different language. He said," I have five fingers.see?" He said. I said,"ok". Then I said," If you have been devoted to God so much and pray so much, then God shows you more than he probably shows anyone else"! I continue to say," Why be scared at what God is showing you thru other people, I asked, why be scared of the message he is trying to deliver to you muslims thru those people", I asked. 
     I don't remember his answer or if he did have one. I continued in telling him that I hated to feel when people wanted to cross over thru me, I feel that shit! I told him that I wasn't scared and I understood it. I would not want to take someone's life and would want a figure of a monster coming in thru my face. Not saying that he did. I'm just saying that most people that have killed and have taken someone's life for some reason or another has the vulnerability of it to show in their faces. Having said that, now I understand why some have chosen other religions as a means of that not happening to them at that moment. Apollo's wife probably knows what I'm talking about being that she likes to cut people open in the morgue ,where she once said in her tv show, "The real housewives of Atlanta", people that work with dead people and stuff. It's funny how some words and real life have so much in common.
     Starting over..I question myself if that muslim was out to be-head me if it wasn't for the things that I said to him. It's funny how he said something like," I will have my wife living here in Lancaster and the other in Palmdale, so they won't know about each other", I giggled and wonder why he said that. Anyway, only God knows. Then I kept on telling him that muslims did not have to be scared of God's ways. I said,"God must really be pleased by muslims being able to pray all day and like' five times a day, so God must think that they where ready to receive messages from many people in so many ways and not be afraid"! I also said, God talks to us all day, thru so many people, in so many ways too. In books, thru the person that's talking to the cashier in front of us as he speaks that message he is saying to her might be for us, too! I said, "people want to hear a direct message all the time." I know I do! I was telling him that I wanted to hear a message from God himself probably, with instructions and all, telling me what my plans should be. I know that's probably not going to happen because I know God talks to me all day. I know what he wants me to do in oppose of what I explain to him that I would like to do, but I go off and tell him, that I think God and I are feuding at the moment and I told him that maybe God might not like my ways. Then I said, maybe that's why I don't have anything. Then, I told him," You seemed blessed with your business you  said your bringing here from pakistan, You have a nice car" he showed me his empty five bedroom house that I honestly thought he had paid too much for , in Lancaster. I complimented it anyway in part of his blessings. I told, him that he was blessed with things that he probably wanted for himself and his family and that God made that happen for him. I have nothing, I told him..then I think I told him that satan had taken it all away from me. I am not sure but I think that I read that in the online version of the "Quran" I only got to chapter five and that was a couple days ago,so I can't say that I read it there or not but I read it somewhere. He didn't seemed like a bad guy and having him taken me to his house was a bit uncomfortable being that he said he did have a family in Wisconsin and they would soon move in, so I said," I don't feel comfortable here, being that it's your families house and all, it's sacred". A man should not take another woman to his families house to chill, or who knows what plans he had in mind. I was in one of my spontaneous moments of exciting, "what if's" that's all. Yeah, yeah,yeah, but that career has probably reached it's spontaneous limits for me,in a pro-bono sense of the deal. 
     Anyway, the weed was good and the wind got the best of me that day blowing me around like a rag doll. Pushing me around and making me walk as if I was drunk. Crazy feeling of getting punked by the wind. My pants wanted to sag and fighting against the wind pulling up my pants was no fun. So maybe that small malfunction didn't let me jump on the train to go and wonder back to L.A. 
    All in all, if muslims don't want to receive messages in ways that seem unholy to them,than maybe they are the infidels in the sense that they get scared of a simple person that might seem as unreal in the face that they want to cut it off, IDK, Maybe they should receive messages from huge underground monster's that probably wont deliver a message but just eat them alive. Then probably that would be a bigger message to them,telling them that God probably heard them the day before the in one of the five times they prayed and they probably don't need to pray so much if they get scared by mere human's in the flesh trying to deliver a message and as they see the faces in that person's head they immediately want to cut it off. Like I said, that persons spirit might follow them around after they cut their heads off because it's unsettled and will not rest in spirit because the silly muslims probably didn't think that some people might continue to live in spirit after they die because the silly person that killed them didn't think as far as knowing what to do with the spirit when it got rid of the flesh.
   So..In conclusion, muslims, " If you are planning to keep killing people and be-heading them for what ever reason, know that God expects a good reason for their death and I would think, God would also want you to think of what it is that you will think of doing with that person's spirit"! 
Starting over for me, Is not really starting over for myself, but for God.  

A Book Left unpublished

 

Starting over,when it never really stopped. My predictions seem to be on the dot and I have not seen the future,but by common thought. Starting over isn't so bad if doing things that we love to do. Like, getting the job we wanted, being able to take that promotion that was always there but wanted to let incompetent people apply for it first. Starting over. 

Having the phone off the hook with God has brought me a couple of different interesting news that I might say,"come as a surprise"! Not a shock, but somewhat a surprise, one would think that bugging God is the thing to do and the route to take, but if God does not want to hear us,God will not hear us! I don't know how God works,honestly...but from the feeling of it, I get more answers when I don't pray. How crazy does that sound?

     I can't speak too much on why my excitement in writing and wanting to express myself so freely on how it is that I am feeling at this moment so ,I rather just explain on how one might start all over.

Starting over if one failed high school===Find ways to continue and or get an accredited certificate

Starting over if one didn't finish College===continue where left off and do your best

Starting over if one failed in many relationships===Don't look for anything,if it comes ,let it be persistent, be yourself and don't believe anything!

Starting over if a gold fish dies===buy another fish

Starting over if your dog dies===why did your dog die?

Starting over if your kids don't want you as a parent===find other kids to love

Starting over if you can't get a job===God is always looking for volunteers

Starting over if there is no one looking for volunteers===Ask to work for food

Starting over if no one is wanting to give away jobs?

That is a question, that many leaders of different jobs that deal with they ass sitting in a desk all day have to go out and ask the homeless.

     Homeless people don't have to be homeless, PEOPLE!

What does that say about one's city? What does that say about the Mayor of that city? What is the U.S. doing in regards of people of an older age still doing being homeless? Young people get around and still have the capacity to ask a friend or a relative because they are young, but an older person in a tent and perhaps being a veteran has been thru so much that they probably can't find a peaceful place to perhaps drop dead one day. 

     No one cares to start anything at times, nevertheless to start over.

     I question my motives to start over, or to even begin a process of wanting to exist with a certain existence of people! What do we wake up wanting to be in who's presence do we really want to be in? Is that movement going to do anything for my life?
I question my purpose for living sometimes, and not only because I think I am not all that great , but if I am really going to matter anyway. Did I impact you at some point or any? Any reader that came and stumbled upon me and my day. A random act of activity that might have a long term effect on a person or it's ability to be talked about even for because that is the most important topic anyway, because I am not at the altitude I am suppose to be in and that is going to remain the topic until you decide that children really are the one's in command.
     A  topic that don't come as a natural thing to people.Who's attention is starving for attention and then it's given for them to make a negative approach, like" honestly! Starving to be in the day. What the fuck kind of picture will you be in? If you even get the chance to be in the picture,who will you be? Being in the presence of someone that will take the time and make the impact longer, at least see what we are talking about and if it a 5G speed Ipod, state of the line. The only access to God at the moment and chance to be heard because God doesn't listen to peasant ,so this would of been a chance for ten dollars. Who would even think of considering that or try to imagine why this piece of legit piece of programmer that can carry a variety of information would be important to listen to these peasants. To think There was actually a place where people would be frogs just dying to be kissed. Sick, even given you a piece of my breath at the moment and spice and disgust came out from the question that wasn't even referred to you at the moment. Fuck, ken real ignorance of attention that some people are dying to obtain in spirit of other peasants that probably don't want to exist in any good thing any fucken way.
     Anyway, mastering the era.
Mastering a certain type of era isn't easy. Now, mastering a certain type of era in person in a negative way is adrenaline pumping! What do you know about adrenaline pumpinG? Picture yourself a spy in a country that you were suppose to have left years ago so they wouldn't have noticed you even existed there to begin with. Now, they know I am here. Everywhere I go they are wanting to follow just encase I fly out of the country. A place where time has reached it's limits and some may never leave.
A place where majic rules, and it's all about the winner's anyway looser. A looser wouln't need attention to make a negative impact. Given the chance to be included in that day in that person's life anyway.! What was my impact I decided to make during the day I decided to make an appearance in? Chiquis?What was the impact that was your purpose to have been made in that day? You had already seen how that day was going to play out but you decided to make an appearance...what was your purpose for that appearance? What statement are you going to try and make? How can we erase that day? Or even our point in history for that matter?
Does it even matter? If My stories would be your only reasons to survive in history if you had to read? You had to mandatory read my stories to survive in history in my time of existence! Would you be there and know at what time!, Because only those people at that moment where getting on my bus to everlasting salvation! Looking around me, right now this monday march 14th of 2016? Not such a bad bus, In addition the pee--sensation calls and I must go!

Denial

Denial= refusal to comply with a request of truth...Maybe I don't really care to start over,maybe my life has been enough at this point where I am sufficient in knowing what goes on around me, maybe birds are getting on my nerves, maybe I don't want to pray tonight and maybe I don't want to believe in God anymore. After all, what kind of God would invent a world that is filled with so much nonsense and so much confusion?! Maybe I got used to living amoungs the dead because that's how I feel inside, DEAD! How miserable it is being me.
     How miserable spirits have been restored on me, how miserable my days and nights have been, How miserable to think only of myself and not think that many people might feel as lost as me. Maybe because I really don't like to listen to other people's problems or see negative shit on television. Or on the internet. I'm so miserably negative today and maybe there have been other days but I don't know Fuck" I am miserable all around, ever since I can think of coming here to this miserable country, full of hate and fucked up looking people. LMFAO
Sorry, I guess it's one of those miserable days and on top of that I have not gotten laid in months. I have been like a drug addict without any drugs, a kid without any Nickelodeon, a dog without water and a mouse without no cheese. Miserable! I live in a miserable town that has nothing but disgusting tasting faucet water and green water that flows down it's river bank. A town where crows fly around with bread on their mouth flapping their wings really loud. I can't sense but to feel that I might live amoungs the dead.
     Nothing new, I guess.. I am just miserable today and the music is no longer tickling me like it use to. I seem to be mad at God too, I can't believe he isn't looking for me. I can't believe God isn't at my door knocking wanting to take me to my own wonderland of beauty and green huge trees with baby blue clean water and a house that I can loose myself in. I can't believe God keeps of wanting me to go and search for him as if heaven was any where near here. I guess I am a miserable person, that's why noone wants to be around me or comes looking for me. I can't believe I have been so bad in my life that I must feel so miserable inside!
     I don't have no more paper to paint.
I hate being bored and being sick and weak, I hate not having any smart friends, I hate not being able to go drive down to the ocean and hear the real waves crashing not like on this youtube channel. I am so mad today, I shift gears from hot and cold and I don't like it one bit! I hate to remember and begin to cry--As I feel my tears wanting to shed now, God I am so miserable! Why can't you come find ME! GOD? Why don't you send some parent's to adopt me instead then, who cares if I'm about to turn forty.
     MAybe ,that is why I am feeling so miserable

      March, whatever..it's like going to a new job interview with people that knew you were going to fail. It's like living for a moment that some already lived for me. Starting over with what? Start over to become a really positive thinker, but I was a positive thinker! I cared about the things that should have mattered in life. I am starting not to care at all. Scares me but maybe my visions should be explained to those that haven't yet seen what I have seen.
     Doesn't matter what my heart feels anymore about religions, I have high expectations of people and the smallest thing disappoints me. I don't know if God understands me anymore. I don't know if I understand God. Starting over isn't so hard, just find something I like and get to it, and there are many things I like and corruption and using people isn't one of them. I can't even get my room mate to buy me chilly cheese fries, yet along begin a corrupt enterprise.. but I would understand the one's that have had many lives. I can understand how rejection from a simple plea can drive many to commit international crimes as well.
     I wouldn't settle in hell, I probably have had many misfortunes here but I really wouldn't go lower when I know there is something higher. Starting over does not necessarily mean being with someone if God is always above me. I really have not been scared too much of people. In Jr. high this idiot pulled out a gun out to my face but after I screamed at him to shoot he just laughed and drove away, what a coward! Then I seen her here as a girl to try and hate on me some more after trying to get at least one year of taxes to myself, but like I said, it's like the jealousy of these homos keep following me around. I really don't know what they are. I really can't say if it's just in my head, but what I do know is that there are a lot of short jealous gremlins that came back looking worse than before. Happiness..(Tears and heartache) happiness for me was found in the smallest things and in other's smiles. Happiness for me was in the nature of things and the sound of the birds when they had something to say. But why did God make birds (parentheses?) maybe because they liked to fly away. 
      

Quran in English - Clear and Easy to Read, with Audio.

Quran in English - Clear and Easy to Read, with Audio. March 9, 2016 21;54 hrs

Stuck like the Truck that was stolen out of my hands by Enterprise

     God I do want to go live at a church home but I am afraid to feel all the weight of everyone that might live there..I get so shaken up and the fire seems intense. I want to think only of you God but I know that when your presence is gone the wickedness of roaming spirits come around. I know that I have to start over on my own and maybe with some help as I have now by having a place to sleep and going to a place for my food now that I am still healing. I am grateful for that, but it's not where I want to be! I really don't. I can't lie of the things that I want in life, I can't lie to you God that I do feel mad sometimes that my life might have to have been someone else's. I get so frustrated that I might not be listening to my intuition at times and my insecurities and pride get the best of me. I have to be honest that I never thought I see myself in this position I am at now, but you seem to place spirits wherever possible for me to approach people? That's not really me, I know that many run to work to sit at a desk all day and not think of things they need to let go of. When I write to you or write to you I feel as if so many people want to talk to you as well. My random writing might seem senseless to most that don't care to hear a voice that might pertain to them, but God only you know who wants to get their point across to you and right now that is the only thing I can do to show you that many people are...LOST! I know some maybe got a way in living in huge houses and a wealth of others but As those spirits return back to where they have known to be from that's when I feel the sense that I do need to run and move and never return to the same place...But only if you God all mighty would have your houses as ---Visual, I don't know a certain color maybe. You understand me.?
     Housing for the lost all over, but then I must imagine that perhaps people might also find that as an advantage to take advantage so I must imagine one has to understand the difference between the pro's and the con's. The bad thing about your houses and your services God is that I feel only con's do take advantage of that because what other way would they have if not by the mercy and the help of your sent one's to provide help. That is where I get stuck in searching for you among your people.
     People that really might be mad at you God and say ,"well the heck with working now, when I would love to work and multi task and be an all around successful person. Not only for myself ,but to get the Fuck out of California. I never thought I would come to say that I honestly do hate California and perhaps so many spirits that remain. I have prayed for this body to rest and for it to vanish but maybe you God have other plans for me, perhaps every morning is a new morning and some don't understand how boring a not so good morning can be. But having start this blogging has helped me to not feel in such a bad way, it also helps me to come back and read what I was feeling at the time I was feeling and understand what spirit wants to live thru me at that moment. For what reason, IDK ...Then that's when thinking of fucking comes into place. I don't know if I can love just anyone, I don't know what history comes with that person. I get frustrated, I think too much ,but if I didn't what bigger mess can I get into? If I didn't think of where I might be and why I might be here I would probably never get a chance at love again and sinning and fucking just anyone is no longer attractive to me and my expectations are HUGE! Huge from this world of corruption and bullshit!

     Reinventing myself, first of all I need to figure out where to start reinventing myself, It seems that I am no longer the person I use to be. I came to this town looking for a room for rent and after awhile I didn't have no more income coming for myself, but I ended up staying here as a house cleaner and pet babysitter. I don't think this owner of the house remains the person he is either. There are times the attitude changes, his personality, his ways of thinking sometimes drives me nuts! But I really don't have nowhere to go but to be homeless or go to a woman's church house. I think that's the route I think might be best for me right now being that I know my identity was stolen, my life is gone---in the sense that I can no longer think as one person. 
      The feeling of people coming thru me really makes me ask God how that could be possible. Then, I tell myself ,"God only gives me what I can handle", I know that the possibilities of multiplying one self is possible if people no longer had another way of being born. Sounds confusing, don't it? Parenthesis.. But see, I think of possibilities, I add other's people's religions and ways of thinking to possibilities of what they might think or how it is they might see things as, The books that explain other's points of views and how we are seen as. I might be a little more specific by explaining about the Maya's calendar and the Chinese birth years as well. Which has to do with the day, month and year we where born. People really believe in that and it get's to a point where everything has to mean something. Since we awake we have to be a certain way. Give thanks to God, is what I do. Give thanks to God for sunlight and the strength to get out of bed in the morning, give thanks for having a roof over my head which is actually a mighty big one and the bible says,"A big house might be not so good ", Or something like that. 
     Then the people that claim that Jesus was a myth. (I wonder why they would say that) because if Jesus was a myth than what can I actually believe in then? I know for a fact there is a greater power than myself, it might be an invisible power and might come as I sleep. Some people really don't want to fall asleep anymore because they are afraid what or whom will take their place then. That's the way I see things as I have heard and witnessed certain things. Perhaps we are meant to think and follow our minds, but some of us don't want to feel rejected and knowing that is what keeps me from actions I would like to take.
     It's really traumatizing to think that other people can live thru me and it drives me to a point of wanting to end my life in this body. It really wouldn't be the route that I would want to take because I don't want to wake up one day feeling worse that I didn't actually die! Yeah, that also drives me crazy, I guess someone would just have to kill me..but I have honestly felt as If I have been sent out to kill a couple of times. The funny thing is that I have invisible forces protecting me. I also know that for a fact, I have felt pain and I have felt certain things happening to me that I don't know if they have happened to anyone else. For example, the other time I was riding my bike around this neighborhood and I heard of what seemed like something coming my way. I didn't actually hear a bullet but I felt like if a bullet had hit me on my leg. I didn't see it or hear it but I felt it. My back tire got flat and I had to walk home with this pain on my leg. It was a terrible feeling and I was mad, tired and for a moment there, I was like,"WTF, is there certain boundaries I can't cross in the United States Of America"? Or better yet, California. 
     Boundaries that aren't taught to us in school!? (or does your parents teach about boundaries?) All that goes thru my head and seem to make me mad as it is why people use all these tools religions hand out to be evil! The way I see it, is..If I can't stand for one thing,which is the creator of heaven and earth ,than why stand for anything at all! Why not think that their is! Another world or life living around me and thru me, God does things in his own way, there is rewind, fast forward, pause..and then a stop. Knowing that is knowing that the only person I do have is God and whom ever he sent out to protect me in this world, which I honestly HATE!   

     Starting over after the vacuum comes and sucks this air out of me at night and leaves as loud as a flying saucer----reinventing myself after having dyed my hair @ a weird strategic way. Colors that will grow and be visible as my hair begins to  grow as thick as it used to be. I have a cousin named Gus and his younger brother Ton ton (he has tons of muscles) they are my dad's brother's sons--no clue if they are indian inheritance, or perhaps passing by. IDK---but they surely have lived an astonishing life full of lust and traveling. Indeed, I come with wanting to explore in my veins. I am sick of this city, but I am afraid this will have to do for the rest of the year. Space id positively clear to land in Lancaster. Have ya'll seen the huge" space ship in Downey?  It's by the skate park, hidden...trying not to look suspicious . (who the fuck lands a spaceship in Downey?) That's why elm vista was so haunted..space is settle ling and everyone all lost searching for belongings and blood and shit.  That's insane when one really goes there and trips out that it is a huge" spaceship! I mean (what is people doing on a spaceship?) can extra terrestrials really be simply bodies to some. Invasion of Palmdale...scary shit, Air force First class Private Sexy reporting on duty ----sir! I would like it if ya'll can please deliver my retirement assistance to find me and tell me that I don't belong with extra terrestrial living. (is that safe to say?) Or must one have to run to the eye witness station and report more space crafts that are unidentified and there is nothing no one can do because they leave in 1/2 a second. The vision on most space camera's will only show lights. In addition all information that is given as too much will be put in one's jacket of incompetent to maintain a high profile, profile for future CIA operations that might take place as daisy travel's the planet. (Whom are these air craft passengers, one asks)? Unidentified due to lack of dna.

     In getting the habit of writting I come to create a new perspective of what the internet might be really good for if only we search it. But then the sleep less nights that the information on there might have us wondering over.
     So, I asked Jesus if he can only ask God about my energy and motivation for a reinvention. That's all were my praying will be left at. I really might be considered a fool if not having to search wide and far for a narrow path that might take me to this unimaginable fairy tale or maybe not! Then I have a scheduled surgery that is coming up and missing that would be like not filing in a hole. LOL
I have seen things flashing right before my eyes and not like in shiny cars or diamond jewelry which would be nice and that song of Don Omar comes to mind, that titles, "Ella no sigue modas", waking up to thinking of how I would want to reinvent myself takes me to the house hunter international shows, of how saving has alot to do with real happiness and having had gone present first in all we would want to accomplish if it wasn't for sin and such meaningfull thinking of I need love" or I just can't seem to get up in the morning. NO!, God has loved us so much that by his words inside his holy book of stories we come to finally realize that he has always loved us and has given us all the free will to choose and pick and fix and multiply and subtract if the bill just got a little too pricy. Ofcourse, at one point or another we all came to want a family. Maybe some good moral upringing and good moral instructions on how being intellijent and seeking education in God first then on which ever field God chooses us to have will satisfies us after we come to the realization that a reinvention does not have to do alot with action words and here God I work and built and plant and harvest and fuck to multiply because forget about thinking about where my family will grow up once I have had my children and their houses are set. We don't all think that way, or else we would not all relate! We all relate because at some point or another we all showed God where it was we wanted to be at at some point, if it was in acting in movies or selling more houses on the wakiest places the ungodly spirits possessed that the real estate agent sold to sacrifice the people that now own there or whatever we choose to think of the story that comes to mind tells us. I hear so many stories but it all has to do with the same love story that is begining to make me sick, puke every so often or maybe just kill myself more by smoking those nasty camel spirited freak that is fucken insane and has this calm but intriging spirit that sucks me into this mystery that has lead to his tears and heartbreak. Yes, I feel as if I can't reinvent myself right now due to his approval in his spirit world to his spirit family that might have to do with fortunes that have been buried, for the moment and time and space and bullshit lies have played a part in the past life which God was waiting to offer me if only I have only seeked his kingdom and opened my eyes to the facts that are right in front of me and being settled with God is not only being settled with one self but having something to look forward to. Like , a good nights sleep, how much disgusting things don't alter our feelings, thoughts and even the way we feel. I might be sick and trying to overcome a sickness which is making me question life in the flesh because there is a spiritual battle going on and I am living in the flesh and not in spirit but yet again I feel as if I am alive for those thirsty spirits that can't seem to focuse on anything else but on whom to point a finger at! Who to blame or whom to judge or live for for the moment. We have to live, we have to wake up and face what's right in front of us wheather we want to or not and we might see our own selves in the flesh but in someone else as in the past, future and the present is what we are in now. I don't proof read I am afraid and if I did I think spell check would work. But in the moment of creating a master piece of the mind thinking that get's started we would not want to change much of what is coming out of the mind at the moment because if our deepest intentions are only to be able to get more people closer to God before anyone else. Noone is meant to be our everlasting companion, noone is made to pick up our tab but God is self sufficient and does provide of the things we usually worry about. Some seek more and follow other wise fantasies and when the chasing ends the peace begins. Not a peaceful thinking as we would all like too but a peaceful thinking that brings reinvention and a self life with God in perhaps only spirit? IDK, my thoughts are only of my own and all I have lived I can't think for other's because we all have chosen and have acted according of where our minds have taken us. My mind seeked what was lacking in feeling (touch) but the other senses have been present and if that's not God than I guess I am just asking for too much.

     Waking up, I realized I had to start all over and by that it means, I am older, not in such a good shape in my life as I don't have a job right now and really spent my life not thinking it would ever change. I didn't really spent time looking for someone that would take care of me because if I did I don't think I would have such a dramatic feeling of starting all over. Going on 40 in a couple of months but actually continuing with God after forgetting about God since I was a teenager. Life would have been so different if only I had kept my heart ,mind and whole existence in just thinking about God more and what would be the right path for my life. Stuck....I thank God of where I have came to live for starters. I came to this city crushed, broken hearted and looking to end this spirit search maybe that was making me loose the minimum mind that I yet still have to reinvent. Yes, having to reinvent myself and the person that I could be or yet to become. Or is that just another lie I want to feed myself at this moment of thinking that I will probably be able to not reinvent myself!
     I have talked to God in a letter last night where I have asked Jesus to now pray for me in the sense where I have felt that I could no longer pray for things that I am unsure of. Like a family. What a crazy thing to not want to belong to a family at the moment. But the seriousness of who my family could of have been in the past scares me and takes me to isolate myself.
      How I came to living in this city was me making a crazy decision to move to a town I had not known nothing of. A room in a big house I came to live after finding a search on craig's list. Afterwards things went sour for me and my financial sittuation that was my only financial sittuation in years of not wanting to care of what I wanted to do with my life. I had lost all of me into this life of sin and lies, lies which soon began revieling themselves out here in this desert I have not really came to gobble up, just yet. Understanding have come and gone and the sense of discovering more og God at this moment has left me in a big hold. A hold because I can't control all the energy that is just in the air yet alone the idea of reinventing myself. I am also in a hold due to this health issue that I have to overcome. Breast cancer, 3rd stage is what was detected not too long ago and having to go thru radiation everyday and not wanting to think of the idea of surviving in this same body that already I feel has been thru so much! But what is much? I think of soldiers that do get tormented, the women that turn to prostitution because they seem to not find any other way of living that satisfies some cravings that involve living in the same sinful way that probably ended up some to have chosen the same sinful lifestyle that have left some thinking of the meaningless struggle that some might have had with life alone! Reinventing myself @ 40 , a story that will continue all year long...