God I do want to go live at a church home but I am afraid to feel all the weight of everyone that might live there..I get so shaken up and the fire seems intense. I want to think only of you God but I know that when your presence is gone the wickedness of roaming spirits come around. I know that I have to start over on my own and maybe with some help as I have now by having a place to sleep and going to a place for my food now that I am still healing. I am grateful for that, but it's not where I want to be! I really don't. I can't lie of the things that I want in life, I can't lie to you God that I do feel mad sometimes that my life might have to have been someone else's. I get so frustrated that I might not be listening to my intuition at times and my insecurities and pride get the best of me. I have to be honest that I never thought I see myself in this position I am at now, but you seem to place spirits wherever possible for me to approach people? That's not really me, I know that many run to work to sit at a desk all day and not think of things they need to let go of. When I write to you or write to you I feel as if so many people want to talk to you as well. My random writing might seem senseless to most that don't care to hear a voice that might pertain to them, but God only you know who wants to get their point across to you and right now that is the only thing I can do to show you that many people are...LOST! I know some maybe got a way in living in huge houses and a wealth of others but As those spirits return back to where they have known to be from that's when I feel the sense that I do need to run and move and never return to the same place...But only if you God all mighty would have your houses as ---Visual, I don't know a certain color maybe. You understand me.?
Housing for the lost all over, but then I must imagine that perhaps people might also find that as an advantage to take advantage so I must imagine one has to understand the difference between the pro's and the con's. The bad thing about your houses and your services God is that I feel only con's do take advantage of that because what other way would they have if not by the mercy and the help of your sent one's to provide help. That is where I get stuck in searching for you among your people.
People that really might be mad at you God and say ,"well the heck with working now, when I would love to work and multi task and be an all around successful person. Not only for myself ,but to get the Fuck out of California. I never thought I would come to say that I honestly do hate California and perhaps so many spirits that remain. I have prayed for this body to rest and for it to vanish but maybe you God have other plans for me, perhaps every morning is a new morning and some don't understand how boring a not so good morning can be. But having start this blogging has helped me to not feel in such a bad way, it also helps me to come back and read what I was feeling at the time I was feeling and understand what spirit wants to live thru me at that moment. For what reason, IDK ...Then that's when thinking of fucking comes into place. I don't know if I can love just anyone, I don't know what history comes with that person. I get frustrated, I think too much ,but if I didn't what bigger mess can I get into? If I didn't think of where I might be and why I might be here I would probably never get a chance at love again and sinning and fucking just anyone is no longer attractive to me and my expectations are HUGE! Huge from this world of corruption and bullshit!
Thursday, March 10, 2016
Reinventing myself, first of all I need to figure out where to start reinventing myself, It seems that I am no longer the person I use to be. I came to this town looking for a room for rent and after awhile I didn't have no more income coming for myself, but I ended up staying here as a house cleaner and pet babysitter. I don't think this owner of the house remains the person he is either. There are times the attitude changes, his personality, his ways of thinking sometimes drives me nuts! But I really don't have nowhere to go but to be homeless or go to a woman's church house. I think that's the route I think might be best for me right now being that I know my identity was stolen, my life is gone---in the sense that I can no longer think as one person.
The feeling of people coming thru me really makes me ask God how that could be possible. Then, I tell myself ,"God only gives me what I can handle", I know that the possibilities of multiplying one self is possible if people no longer had another way of being born. Sounds confusing, don't it? Parenthesis.. But see, I think of possibilities, I add other's people's religions and ways of thinking to possibilities of what they might think or how it is they might see things as, The books that explain other's points of views and how we are seen as. I might be a little more specific by explaining about the Maya's calendar and the Chinese birth years as well. Which has to do with the day, month and year we where born. People really believe in that and it get's to a point where everything has to mean something. Since we awake we have to be a certain way. Give thanks to God, is what I do. Give thanks to God for sunlight and the strength to get out of bed in the morning, give thanks for having a roof over my head which is actually a mighty big one and the bible says,"A big house might be not so good ", Or something like that.
Then the people that claim that Jesus was a myth. (I wonder why they would say that) because if Jesus was a myth than what can I actually believe in then? I know for a fact there is a greater power than myself, it might be an invisible power and might come as I sleep. Some people really don't want to fall asleep anymore because they are afraid what or whom will take their place then. That's the way I see things as I have heard and witnessed certain things. Perhaps we are meant to think and follow our minds, but some of us don't want to feel rejected and knowing that is what keeps me from actions I would like to take.
It's really traumatizing to think that other people can live thru me and it drives me to a point of wanting to end my life in this body. It really wouldn't be the route that I would want to take because I don't want to wake up one day feeling worse that I didn't actually die! Yeah, that also drives me crazy, I guess someone would just have to kill me..but I have honestly felt as If I have been sent out to kill a couple of times. The funny thing is that I have invisible forces protecting me. I also know that for a fact, I have felt pain and I have felt certain things happening to me that I don't know if they have happened to anyone else. For example, the other time I was riding my bike around this neighborhood and I heard of what seemed like something coming my way. I didn't actually hear a bullet but I felt like if a bullet had hit me on my leg. I didn't see it or hear it but I felt it. My back tire got flat and I had to walk home with this pain on my leg. It was a terrible feeling and I was mad, tired and for a moment there, I was like,"WTF, is there certain boundaries I can't cross in the United States Of America"? Or better yet, California.
Boundaries that aren't taught to us in school!? (or does your parents teach about boundaries?) All that goes thru my head and seem to make me mad as it is why people use all these tools religions hand out to be evil! The way I see it, is..If I can't stand for one thing,which is the creator of heaven and earth ,than why stand for anything at all! Why not think that their is! Another world or life living around me and thru me, God does things in his own way, there is rewind, fast forward, pause..and then a stop. Knowing that is knowing that the only person I do have is God and whom ever he sent out to protect me in this world, which I honestly HATE!
The feeling of people coming thru me really makes me ask God how that could be possible. Then, I tell myself ,"God only gives me what I can handle", I know that the possibilities of multiplying one self is possible if people no longer had another way of being born. Sounds confusing, don't it? Parenthesis.. But see, I think of possibilities, I add other's people's religions and ways of thinking to possibilities of what they might think or how it is they might see things as, The books that explain other's points of views and how we are seen as. I might be a little more specific by explaining about the Maya's calendar and the Chinese birth years as well. Which has to do with the day, month and year we where born. People really believe in that and it get's to a point where everything has to mean something. Since we awake we have to be a certain way. Give thanks to God, is what I do. Give thanks to God for sunlight and the strength to get out of bed in the morning, give thanks for having a roof over my head which is actually a mighty big one and the bible says,"A big house might be not so good ", Or something like that.
Then the people that claim that Jesus was a myth. (I wonder why they would say that) because if Jesus was a myth than what can I actually believe in then? I know for a fact there is a greater power than myself, it might be an invisible power and might come as I sleep. Some people really don't want to fall asleep anymore because they are afraid what or whom will take their place then. That's the way I see things as I have heard and witnessed certain things. Perhaps we are meant to think and follow our minds, but some of us don't want to feel rejected and knowing that is what keeps me from actions I would like to take.
It's really traumatizing to think that other people can live thru me and it drives me to a point of wanting to end my life in this body. It really wouldn't be the route that I would want to take because I don't want to wake up one day feeling worse that I didn't actually die! Yeah, that also drives me crazy, I guess someone would just have to kill me..but I have honestly felt as If I have been sent out to kill a couple of times. The funny thing is that I have invisible forces protecting me. I also know that for a fact, I have felt pain and I have felt certain things happening to me that I don't know if they have happened to anyone else. For example, the other time I was riding my bike around this neighborhood and I heard of what seemed like something coming my way. I didn't actually hear a bullet but I felt like if a bullet had hit me on my leg. I didn't see it or hear it but I felt it. My back tire got flat and I had to walk home with this pain on my leg. It was a terrible feeling and I was mad, tired and for a moment there, I was like,"WTF, is there certain boundaries I can't cross in the United States Of America"? Or better yet, California.
Boundaries that aren't taught to us in school!? (or does your parents teach about boundaries?) All that goes thru my head and seem to make me mad as it is why people use all these tools religions hand out to be evil! The way I see it, is..If I can't stand for one thing,which is the creator of heaven and earth ,than why stand for anything at all! Why not think that their is! Another world or life living around me and thru me, God does things in his own way, there is rewind, fast forward, pause..and then a stop. Knowing that is knowing that the only person I do have is God and whom ever he sent out to protect me in this world, which I honestly HATE!
Friday, March 4, 2016
Starting over after the vacuum comes and sucks this air out of me at night and leaves as loud as a flying saucer----reinventing myself after having dyed my hair @ a weird strategic way. Colors that will grow and be visible as my hair begins to grow as thick as it used to be. I have a cousin named Gus and his younger brother Ton ton (he has tons of muscles) they are my dad's brother's sons--no clue if they are indian inheritance, or perhaps passing by. IDK---but they surely have lived an astonishing life full of lust and traveling. Indeed, I come with wanting to explore in my veins. I am sick of this city, but I am afraid this will have to do for the rest of the year. Space id positively clear to land in Lancaster. Have ya'll seen the huge" space ship in Downey? It's by the skate park, hidden...trying not to look suspicious . (who the fuck lands a spaceship in Downey?) That's why elm vista was so haunted..space is settle ling and everyone all lost searching for belongings and blood and shit. That's insane when one really goes there and trips out that it is a huge" spaceship! I mean (what is people doing on a spaceship?) can extra terrestrials really be simply bodies to some. Invasion of Palmdale...scary shit, Air force First class Private Sexy reporting on duty ----sir! I would like it if ya'll can please deliver my retirement assistance to find me and tell me that I don't belong with extra terrestrial living. (is that safe to say?) Or must one have to run to the eye witness station and report more space crafts that are unidentified and there is nothing no one can do because they leave in 1/2 a second. The vision on most space camera's will only show lights. In addition all information that is given as too much will be put in one's jacket of incompetent to maintain a high profile, profile for future CIA operations that might take place as daisy travel's the planet. (Whom are these air craft passengers, one asks)? Unidentified due to lack of dna.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Saturday, February 20, 2016
In getting the habit of writting I come to create a new perspective of what the internet might be really good for if only we search it. But then the sleep less nights that the information on there might have us wondering over.
So, I asked Jesus if he can only ask God about my energy and motivation for a reinvention. That's all were my praying will be left at. I really might be considered a fool if not having to search wide and far for a narrow path that might take me to this unimaginable fairy tale or maybe not! Then I have a scheduled surgery that is coming up and missing that would be like not filing in a hole. LOL
I have seen things flashing right before my eyes and not like in shiny cars or diamond jewelry which would be nice and that song of Don Omar comes to mind, that titles, "Ella no sigue modas", waking up to thinking of how I would want to reinvent myself takes me to the house hunter international shows, of how saving has alot to do with real happiness and having had gone present first in all we would want to accomplish if it wasn't for sin and such meaningfull thinking of I need love" or I just can't seem to get up in the morning. NO!, God has loved us so much that by his words inside his holy book of stories we come to finally realize that he has always loved us and has given us all the free will to choose and pick and fix and multiply and subtract if the bill just got a little too pricy. Ofcourse, at one point or another we all came to want a family. Maybe some good moral upringing and good moral instructions on how being intellijent and seeking education in God first then on which ever field God chooses us to have will satisfies us after we come to the realization that a reinvention does not have to do alot with action words and here God I work and built and plant and harvest and fuck to multiply because forget about thinking about where my family will grow up once I have had my children and their houses are set. We don't all think that way, or else we would not all relate! We all relate because at some point or another we all showed God where it was we wanted to be at at some point, if it was in acting in movies or selling more houses on the wakiest places the ungodly spirits possessed that the real estate agent sold to sacrifice the people that now own there or whatever we choose to think of the story that comes to mind tells us. I hear so many stories but it all has to do with the same love story that is begining to make me sick, puke every so often or maybe just kill myself more by smoking those nasty camel spirited freak that is fucken insane and has this calm but intriging spirit that sucks me into this mystery that has lead to his tears and heartbreak. Yes, I feel as if I can't reinvent myself right now due to his approval in his spirit world to his spirit family that might have to do with fortunes that have been buried, for the moment and time and space and bullshit lies have played a part in the past life which God was waiting to offer me if only I have only seeked his kingdom and opened my eyes to the facts that are right in front of me and being settled with God is not only being settled with one self but having something to look forward to. Like , a good nights sleep, how much disgusting things don't alter our feelings, thoughts and even the way we feel. I might be sick and trying to overcome a sickness which is making me question life in the flesh because there is a spiritual battle going on and I am living in the flesh and not in spirit but yet again I feel as if I am alive for those thirsty spirits that can't seem to focuse on anything else but on whom to point a finger at! Who to blame or whom to judge or live for for the moment. We have to live, we have to wake up and face what's right in front of us wheather we want to or not and we might see our own selves in the flesh but in someone else as in the past, future and the present is what we are in now. I don't proof read I am afraid and if I did I think spell check would work. But in the moment of creating a master piece of the mind thinking that get's started we would not want to change much of what is coming out of the mind at the moment because if our deepest intentions are only to be able to get more people closer to God before anyone else. Noone is meant to be our everlasting companion, noone is made to pick up our tab but God is self sufficient and does provide of the things we usually worry about. Some seek more and follow other wise fantasies and when the chasing ends the peace begins. Not a peaceful thinking as we would all like too but a peaceful thinking that brings reinvention and a self life with God in perhaps only spirit? IDK, my thoughts are only of my own and all I have lived I can't think for other's because we all have chosen and have acted according of where our minds have taken us. My mind seeked what was lacking in feeling (touch) but the other senses have been present and if that's not God than I guess I am just asking for too much.
So, I asked Jesus if he can only ask God about my energy and motivation for a reinvention. That's all were my praying will be left at. I really might be considered a fool if not having to search wide and far for a narrow path that might take me to this unimaginable fairy tale or maybe not! Then I have a scheduled surgery that is coming up and missing that would be like not filing in a hole. LOL
I have seen things flashing right before my eyes and not like in shiny cars or diamond jewelry which would be nice and that song of Don Omar comes to mind, that titles, "Ella no sigue modas", waking up to thinking of how I would want to reinvent myself takes me to the house hunter international shows, of how saving has alot to do with real happiness and having had gone present first in all we would want to accomplish if it wasn't for sin and such meaningfull thinking of I need love" or I just can't seem to get up in the morning. NO!, God has loved us so much that by his words inside his holy book of stories we come to finally realize that he has always loved us and has given us all the free will to choose and pick and fix and multiply and subtract if the bill just got a little too pricy. Ofcourse, at one point or another we all came to want a family. Maybe some good moral upringing and good moral instructions on how being intellijent and seeking education in God first then on which ever field God chooses us to have will satisfies us after we come to the realization that a reinvention does not have to do alot with action words and here God I work and built and plant and harvest and fuck to multiply because forget about thinking about where my family will grow up once I have had my children and their houses are set. We don't all think that way, or else we would not all relate! We all relate because at some point or another we all showed God where it was we wanted to be at at some point, if it was in acting in movies or selling more houses on the wakiest places the ungodly spirits possessed that the real estate agent sold to sacrifice the people that now own there or whatever we choose to think of the story that comes to mind tells us. I hear so many stories but it all has to do with the same love story that is begining to make me sick, puke every so often or maybe just kill myself more by smoking those nasty camel spirited freak that is fucken insane and has this calm but intriging spirit that sucks me into this mystery that has lead to his tears and heartbreak. Yes, I feel as if I can't reinvent myself right now due to his approval in his spirit world to his spirit family that might have to do with fortunes that have been buried, for the moment and time and space and bullshit lies have played a part in the past life which God was waiting to offer me if only I have only seeked his kingdom and opened my eyes to the facts that are right in front of me and being settled with God is not only being settled with one self but having something to look forward to. Like , a good nights sleep, how much disgusting things don't alter our feelings, thoughts and even the way we feel. I might be sick and trying to overcome a sickness which is making me question life in the flesh because there is a spiritual battle going on and I am living in the flesh and not in spirit but yet again I feel as if I am alive for those thirsty spirits that can't seem to focuse on anything else but on whom to point a finger at! Who to blame or whom to judge or live for for the moment. We have to live, we have to wake up and face what's right in front of us wheather we want to or not and we might see our own selves in the flesh but in someone else as in the past, future and the present is what we are in now. I don't proof read I am afraid and if I did I think spell check would work. But in the moment of creating a master piece of the mind thinking that get's started we would not want to change much of what is coming out of the mind at the moment because if our deepest intentions are only to be able to get more people closer to God before anyone else. Noone is meant to be our everlasting companion, noone is made to pick up our tab but God is self sufficient and does provide of the things we usually worry about. Some seek more and follow other wise fantasies and when the chasing ends the peace begins. Not a peaceful thinking as we would all like too but a peaceful thinking that brings reinvention and a self life with God in perhaps only spirit? IDK, my thoughts are only of my own and all I have lived I can't think for other's because we all have chosen and have acted according of where our minds have taken us. My mind seeked what was lacking in feeling (touch) but the other senses have been present and if that's not God than I guess I am just asking for too much.
Waking up, I realized I had to start all over and by that it means, I am older, not in such a good shape in my life as I don't have a job right now and really spent my life not thinking it would ever change. I didn't really spent time looking for someone that would take care of me because if I did I don't think I would have such a dramatic feeling of starting all over. Going on 40 in a couple of months but actually continuing with God after forgetting about God since I was a teenager. Life would have been so different if only I had kept my heart ,mind and whole existence in just thinking about God more and what would be the right path for my life. Stuck....I thank God of where I have came to live for starters. I came to this city crushed, broken hearted and looking to end this spirit search maybe that was making me loose the minimum mind that I yet still have to reinvent. Yes, having to reinvent myself and the person that I could be or yet to become. Or is that just another lie I want to feed myself at this moment of thinking that I will probably be able to not reinvent myself!
I have talked to God in a letter last night where I have asked Jesus to now pray for me in the sense where I have felt that I could no longer pray for things that I am unsure of. Like a family. What a crazy thing to not want to belong to a family at the moment. But the seriousness of who my family could of have been in the past scares me and takes me to isolate myself.
How I came to living in this city was me making a crazy decision to move to a town I had not known nothing of. A room in a big house I came to live after finding a search on craig's list. Afterwards things went sour for me and my financial sittuation that was my only financial sittuation in years of not wanting to care of what I wanted to do with my life. I had lost all of me into this life of sin and lies, lies which soon began revieling themselves out here in this desert I have not really came to gobble up, just yet. Understanding have come and gone and the sense of discovering more og God at this moment has left me in a big hold. A hold because I can't control all the energy that is just in the air yet alone the idea of reinventing myself. I am also in a hold due to this health issue that I have to overcome. Breast cancer, 3rd stage is what was detected not too long ago and having to go thru radiation everyday and not wanting to think of the idea of surviving in this same body that already I feel has been thru so much! But what is much? I think of soldiers that do get tormented, the women that turn to prostitution because they seem to not find any other way of living that satisfies some cravings that involve living in the same sinful way that probably ended up some to have chosen the same sinful lifestyle that have left some thinking of the meaningless struggle that some might have had with life alone! Reinventing myself @ 40 , a story that will continue all year long...
I have talked to God in a letter last night where I have asked Jesus to now pray for me in the sense where I have felt that I could no longer pray for things that I am unsure of. Like a family. What a crazy thing to not want to belong to a family at the moment. But the seriousness of who my family could of have been in the past scares me and takes me to isolate myself.
How I came to living in this city was me making a crazy decision to move to a town I had not known nothing of. A room in a big house I came to live after finding a search on craig's list. Afterwards things went sour for me and my financial sittuation that was my only financial sittuation in years of not wanting to care of what I wanted to do with my life. I had lost all of me into this life of sin and lies, lies which soon began revieling themselves out here in this desert I have not really came to gobble up, just yet. Understanding have come and gone and the sense of discovering more og God at this moment has left me in a big hold. A hold because I can't control all the energy that is just in the air yet alone the idea of reinventing myself. I am also in a hold due to this health issue that I have to overcome. Breast cancer, 3rd stage is what was detected not too long ago and having to go thru radiation everyday and not wanting to think of the idea of surviving in this same body that already I feel has been thru so much! But what is much? I think of soldiers that do get tormented, the women that turn to prostitution because they seem to not find any other way of living that satisfies some cravings that involve living in the same sinful way that probably ended up some to have chosen the same sinful lifestyle that have left some thinking of the meaningless struggle that some might have had with life alone! Reinventing myself @ 40 , a story that will continue all year long...
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