Denial

Denial= refusal to comply with a request of truth...Maybe I don't really care to start over,maybe my life has been enough at this point where I am sufficient in knowing what goes on around me, maybe birds are getting on my nerves, maybe I don't want to pray tonight and maybe I don't want to believe in God anymore. After all, what kind of God would invent a world that is filled with so much nonsense and so much confusion?! Maybe I got used to living amoungs the dead because that's how I feel inside, DEAD! How miserable it is being me.
     How miserable spirits have been restored on me, how miserable my days and nights have been, How miserable to think only of myself and not think that many people might feel as lost as me. Maybe because I really don't like to listen to other people's problems or see negative shit on television. Or on the internet. I'm so miserably negative today and maybe there have been other days but I don't know Fuck" I am miserable all around, ever since I can think of coming here to this miserable country, full of hate and fucked up looking people. LMFAO
Sorry, I guess it's one of those miserable days and on top of that I have not gotten laid in months. I have been like a drug addict without any drugs, a kid without any Nickelodeon, a dog without water and a mouse without no cheese. Miserable! I live in a miserable town that has nothing but disgusting tasting faucet water and green water that flows down it's river bank. A town where crows fly around with bread on their mouth flapping their wings really loud. I can't sense but to feel that I might live amoungs the dead.
     Nothing new, I guess.. I am just miserable today and the music is no longer tickling me like it use to. I seem to be mad at God too, I can't believe he isn't looking for me. I can't believe God isn't at my door knocking wanting to take me to my own wonderland of beauty and green huge trees with baby blue clean water and a house that I can loose myself in. I can't believe God keeps of wanting me to go and search for him as if heaven was any where near here. I guess I am a miserable person, that's why noone wants to be around me or comes looking for me. I can't believe I have been so bad in my life that I must feel so miserable inside!
     I don't have no more paper to paint.
I hate being bored and being sick and weak, I hate not having any smart friends, I hate not being able to go drive down to the ocean and hear the real waves crashing not like on this youtube channel. I am so mad today, I shift gears from hot and cold and I don't like it one bit! I hate to remember and begin to cry--As I feel my tears wanting to shed now, God I am so miserable! Why can't you come find ME! GOD? Why don't you send some parent's to adopt me instead then, who cares if I'm about to turn forty.
     MAybe ,that is why I am feeling so miserable